Over on her Substack my friend Alicia writes about the quiet, often overlooked parts of being human. Her recent article Why You Can’t Change Anyone resonates with my own experiences supporting people in their tech careers.
I’ve always felt uncomfortable at the thought of advising others. Throughout my 13 years in consulting, the idea of offering advice from a position of ignorance always felt odd. I do agree that an outside perspective can be useful but all too often there is an expectation to associate the role with expertise, experience or knowledge. This was a mistake. The only way I knew how to approach consulting was from a place of discovery. The job as I saw it was more to listen and observe than it was to act.
“We derive a sense of worth from helping.”
One of the most enjoyable parts of my career has been the opportunity to support others. Sometimes this role has been official, carrying the title of ‘advisor’, ‘coach’, or ‘mentor’. Other times it has been far less structured, beginning with a simple request for help.
“And when someone doesn’t accept our help? We feel disappointed. Powerless. Maybe even a little hurt.”
Management and coaching or support are not the same thing. But being in a managerial position comes with expectations of coaching and support, a relationship forced upon individuals by virtue of an org chart. I loved coaching and felt it was one of the things I was best at but I inevitably came across people who didn’t want help, or too many people who did. I found that emotionally draining and I began to resent the one thing I believed I was good at.
This resentment came from the belief, both internally and organisationally, that I should be able to help people.
When we are approached for support it is easy to fall into the trap of believing we have the answers. If we don’t have the answers then we believe we have the experience to guide us. This framing of what it means to provide support is fundamentally flawed.
Over the years I’ve come to change my approach. Reading Alicia’s article, I realise that many of her experiences resonate with my own.
- Being there for the journey is the most important thing we can do. A journey of shared discovery is an indication that things are healthy.
- Recognising that the path we took is not the path everyone should follow. This isn’t easy and requires a certain element of self awareness and a willingness to discover things about yourself that make you feel uncomfortable.
- Resisting the urge to step in and protect people from making mistakes is critical. If we step in at every opportunity we aren’t protecting them we are closing off different paths.
- Recognising that some people will cling to an identity for safety and familiarity. Others will double down on it and attempt to build off it.
The missing piece of the puzzle for me was the acceptance that I’m not attached to the outcome.
I’m willing to offer, but I’m not attached to whether you receive.
Alicia’s approach to coaching is simple
“I see you. I’m here. But I don’t interfere with your path.”
If you want to follow her writing but don’t like the idea of Substack, you can grab the RSS feed here: Alicia’s Substack.